Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?