Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)