the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America