SHE SAID YES!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
God making jellyfish: Let鈥檚 make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we鈥檒l name it jelly
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
the council will decide your fate
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car鈥檚 extended warranty after you figure out why I鈥檓 afraid of pralines.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It鈥檚 going to be tight; we can do it.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can鈥檛 be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous