I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]