All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
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Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow