Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.