20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
How to woo a woman
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.