Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee