Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what