I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Golf would be better with landmines.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
New mindset, who dis?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once