Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.