“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Who called it baking and not making love
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm