Delightful if true: booby trap.
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If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too