Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Mouse
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.