Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Why I divorced her.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.