Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying