So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus