I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Thinking about Jeff
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.