A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Just me and my debit card against the world
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt