The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*mops up wine with cat*
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally