[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
You Might Also Like
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.