them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Every time my phone rings
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again