ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog