Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
That earthquake could have been an email.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
When a shoelace touches your ankle