whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
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Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁