I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.