Woke up against my better judgement again
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‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
❤️❤️❤️
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Seems a bit forward
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.