*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
when revenge coincides with naptime
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?