take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
me irl
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
*pronounces fake like saké*