A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.