When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I ate everything, including the H.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.