My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
you gotta be faster
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.