My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
if my sleeping schedule was a person
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.