My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
You Might Also Like
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”