@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
You Might Also Like
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”