Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
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Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words