you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.