Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant