I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter