Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh