[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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new career option?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
The best plant holders?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Hank is one in a melon.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”