[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
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Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
It be like that sometimes 😆
*has no idea what a book even is*
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way