Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo