Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside