I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who鈥檚 asking?
them: ma鈥檃m, this is a vaccination clinic.
sin harder.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Went into my 11yo鈥檚 room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you鈥檙e looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 馃グ
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn鈥檛 have to just be the government
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Friend: How鈥檇 you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn鈥檛 claw her way out
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.