Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!