Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now