[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group