when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
this chia pet tastes awful
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol